From Queens to Kampala: A revolutionary itinerary nobody expected
After being unceremoniously deported from the United States for the alleged crime of being a “100% communist,” former New York Assemblyman Zohran Mamdani arrived barefoot and resolute in Uganda’s capital, declaring his intent to run for mayor of Kampala. Because why stop at one mayoral campaign when you can have two on different continents?
“New York rejected me. Kampala will rise with me,” he proclaimed through a bullhorn duct-taped to a boda boda taxi. Wearing a red beret, a borrowed trench coat, and an unsanctioned Karl Marx lapel pin, Mamdani was greeted by three street preachers, one retired librarian, and an unemployed Marxist-Leninist mime named Fred. “He’s one of us,” Fred whispered, miming an invisible sickle.
ICE allegedly airlifted Mamdani from JFK directly to Entebbe under an executive order printed on a napkin at Mar-a-Lago and signed in ketchup. The deportation paperwork was so rushed that customs officials thought he was a returning DJ. When asked for credentials, Mamdani presented a Bernie 2020 sticker and a dog-eared copy of Das Kapital. Officials waved him through with “Eh, Muzungu na politics.”
Within 24 hours, Kampala’s political scene was electrified. Billboards reading “Comrade Zohran: Fresh Ideas, Fair Wages, Free Rolexes” popped up overnight. The Kampala Gossip Tribune reported sightings of Mamdani sipping tea with boda boda union bosses and posting inspirational Mao quotes in Luganda.
His platform includes “Potholes to the People,” promising to turn every major crater in Kampala into community gardens, Marxist reflection pools, or free Wi-Fi zones. Under his 10-point plan, cows will receive land titles, boda bodas will be nationalized, and all landlords will be required to share their homes with the proletariat every second Tuesday.
At a rally in Nakasero, Mamdani addressed a crowd of 19 underemployed university graduates and one confused Canadian tourist. “You deserve more than broken pavement and defunct ministries,” he shouted. “You deserve bicycles, beans, and a bookshelf in every hut!” A spontaneous chant erupted: “Zohran! Zohran! Make Kampala Red Again!”
Back in the States, conservative groups celebrated. Tucker Carlson dedicated an entire episode titled “Good Riddance, Red Rascal.” “It’s not just that he loved public transit,” Carlson warned. “It’s that he wanted it to be free.” The horror.
Mamdani’s Kampala campaign runs out of a repurposed chicken coop behind his aunt’s cousin’s compound. Staffers work off handwritten memos, banana-leaf spreadsheets, and a solar-powered fax machine recovered from a failed USAID project. The candidate reportedly travels exclusively by donkey, in solidarity with the working class.
His 58-page manifesto, “Uganda Shall Rise Like a Worker’s Fist,” includes proposals for public ownership of air rights and bird migration routes, conversion of Entebbe Airport’s first-class lounge into a People’s Reading Room, and weekly seminars on dialectical materialism at every boda boda stop.
President Museveni hasn’t officially commented, though insiders claim he muttered, “Another one? I thought we were done with revolutionaries.” The Minister of Internal Affairs issued a statement: “We welcome all former Americans, especially those with political ambition, as long as they bring their own red flags.”
With polls showing Mamdani leading 51% to 49% against a local dentist with four wives and a law degree from Belarus, the odds are suddenly in his favor. His campaign is rumored to be negotiating with Netflix for a documentary titled “Red on Arrival: From Queens to Kampala.”
One voter put it best: “He seems serious, but also unserious. Which makes him perfect for Kampala.”
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/mamdani-deported/
SOURCE: Bohiney.com (https://bohiney.com/mamdani-deported/)
