Fitness Enthusiasts Choose Sleep Over Exercise in Shocking Development
Portland’s City Council made the unprecedented decision this week to ban morning jogging after discovering that 87% of registered runners were simply hitting snooze on their alarms and never actually leaving their beds. The revelation came after months of investigation into why the city’s supposedly vibrant running community seemed to exist primarily in expensive activewear purchases and Instagram bios rather than actual physical activity.
“We conducted surveillance of popular running trails between 5 AM and 7 AM,” explained Parks Commissioner Robert Valdez, “and found them completely empty except for one confused raccoon wearing what appeared to be abandoned running shoes.” The discovery prompted a deeper investigation that revealed most morning joggers consider setting an early alarm to be sufficient exercise in itself, with the actual running part being more of a theoretical goal than a practical reality.
The morning jogging ban was met with overwhelming support from the city’s 15,000 registered “runners,” who praised the council for finally acknowledging what they’d known all along: morning exercise is a beautiful concept that should remain exactly thatconceptual. “I’ve been meaning to start my morning running routine for six years now,” said Amanda Foster, owner of $400 worth of moisture-wicking apparel. “This ban takes so much pressure off. Now I can sleep in guilt-free, knowing it’s actually illegal to run in the morning.”
Local running stores report that the ban has paradoxically increased sales of running gear, as customers no longer feel obligated to actually use their purchases for their intended purpose. “It’s liberating,” explained Tim Rodriguez, a self-identified “aspiring marathoner” who has never run more than one mile consecutively. “I can buy the latest running technology without the nagging voice in my head suggesting I should, you know, run in it. The shoes stay cleaner this way anyway.”
The city’s Department of Health attempted to oppose the ban, arguing that encouraging sedentary behavior contradicts public health guidelines. However, their protest lost momentum when researchers discovered that the department’s own staff wellness committee had been holding “morning run meetings” that consisted entirely of everyone agreeing to reschedule for next week, an arrangement that had been working perfectly for eighteen months.
Commissioner Valdez announced that the city will redirect funds previously allocated for maintaining running trails toward more realistic initiatives, including expanded parking for people who drive to parks to take photos of themselves in workout clothes, and a new “Intention Counts” program that rewards citizens for thinking about exercising. The morning jogging ban officially takes effect next Monday, though enforcement is expected to be unnecessary given that nobody was jogging anyway. Sweet dreams, Portland. Sweet dreams.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/city-bans-morning-jogging-runners-snooze/
SOURCE: Bohiney.com (https://bohiney.com/city-bans-morning-jogging-runners-snooze/)
