Agricultural Mindfulness Movement Yields Questionable Results
A controversial new farming technique has taken root in Oregon’s Willamette Valley, where dozens of farmers have begun practicing “Crop Yoga”performing elaborate yoga sequences in their fields while maintaining eye contact with plants and projecting “growth energy” through strategic breathing exercises. The movement, based on a viral TikTok trend and absolutely zero agricultural science, claims that mindful poses and positive plant vibrations can increase yields by up to 30%. The corn, soybeans, and wheat have not been consulted for comment and appear thoroughly indifferent to the human pretzel shapes happening nearby.
The practice began six weeks ago when lifestyle influencer and self-proclaimed “agricultural wellness coach” Amber Kristensen posted videos of herself doing downward dog in a soybean field, claiming the plants “responded to her energy” by growing “noticeably taller” overnight. Never mind that soybeans naturally grow several inches daily during their growth phase, or that Kristensen has no agricultural background beyond a weekend at a pumpkin patch. Her 2.3 million followers embraced the concept enthusiastically, and suddenly farmers across Oregon found themselves surrounded by yoga enthusiasts offering to “help their crops reach their full potential.”
Local farmer Robert Morrison allowed his teenage daughter to convince him to try Crop Yoga in his cornfield, a decision he now describes as “the kind of mistake you make when you’re too tired to argue.” Morrison spent three mornings performing sun salutations while his corn continued growing at exactly the rate corn has grown for thousands of years. “The plants looked at me the same way my dog does when I try to explain fetch,” Morrison reported. “Polite confusion at best, complete indifference at worst.”
Agricultural scientists have responded to the Crop Yoga trend with a collective sigh heard across academic institutions nationwide. Dr. Patricia Chen from Oregon State University’s agriculture department provided a carefully worded statement explaining that while physical activity is beneficial for human health, plants lack the neurology to perceive or respond to yoga poses. “They don’t have eyes,” Dr. Chen explained slowly, as if addressing people who might need that clarified. “They can’t see you. They don’t care about your warrior pose or your chakra alignment. They care about sunlight, water, soil nutrients, and whether you remembered to actually plant them.”
Despite scientific consensus that plants don’t respond to human yoga, the trend has expanded to include “Crop Meditation,” “Agricultural Affirmations,” and something called “Harvest Moon Sound Baths” where participants play singing bowls at root vegetables. One enthusiast spent six hours projecting “abundance energy” at a potato field and declared the resulting harvest proof of success, conveniently ignoring that the farmer had also used fertilizer, proper irrigation, and actual agricultural knowledge.
Morrison has since banned Crop Yoga from his property after a group of enthusiasts trampled three rows of soybeans while attempting a particularly ambitious group tree pose. “They kept saying the plants would forgive them because they were acting from a place of love,” Morrison explained. “I pointed out that love doesn’t pay my mortgage or replant destroyed crops. They said I was being ‘blocked’ and ‘not honoring the agricultural divine.’ I said they were trespassing and needed to leave before I honored my property rights with a call to the sheriff.”
The good news is that all this outdoor stretching has improved the flexibility and core strength of several farmers who tried the practice. The bad news is their crops grew at exactly the same rate as fields where farmers spent that time doing actual farm work. Sometimes traditional methods persist because they work, not because agriculture is “closed-minded to new paradigms,” as Kristensen suggested in her latest video filmed on someone else’s land without permission. The corn continues unimpressed, the yields remain scientifically predictable, and farmers everywhere are reminded why they generally avoid TikTok wellness advice.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/farmers-practice-crop-yoga-corn-unimpressed/
SOURCE: Bohiney.com (https://bohiney.com/farmers-practice-crop-yoga-corn-unimpressed/)
