Multitasking Reaches Absurd New Heights
In what can only be described as a solution to a problem nobody had, Portland’s Central Library unveiled “ReadRun” stations this weektreadmills equipped with book holders, allowing patrons to walk at leisurely speeds while reading library materials. The initiative aims to combat sedentary reading habits and prove that humans haven’t yet reached peak absurdity in their quest to optimize every waking moment of existence.
Library director Thomas Chen defended the $85,000 investment during Tuesday’s unveiling ceremony, where he walked at 1.5 miles per hour while attempting to read his prepared remarks and stumbling over pronunciation in ways that had nothing to do with the words themselves. “Studies show that Americans spend too much time sitting,” Chen explained between labored breaths. “We’re simply combining two beneficial activities into one efficient package. What could possibly go wrong?”
Early adopters of the library book treadmills discovered the answer to that question almost immediately. Within the first hour of operation, the library logged three minor collisions with bookshelf corners, two instances of motion sickness, and one patron who became so engrossed in a mystery novel that they walked for forty-five minutes without realizing the treadmill had been turned off for twenty of those minutes. “I thought I was just really tired,” admitted Marcus Thompson, who had essentially been doing lunges in place for half an hour.
The treadmills feature special book holders designed to keep reading material stable, though this technology apparently hasn’t accounted for the fact that walking requires looking where you’re going occasionally. Librarians have begun keeping a collision tally, with the poetry section emerging as the most dangerous area due to readers getting lost in metaphors and drifting into the true crime aisle, creating unintentional literary mashups.
“I was reading a romance novel when I accidentally wandered into the tax code section,” reported Sarah Martinez. “Suddenly the phrase ‘undying passion’ appeared right next to ‘1040 forms’ and I experienced an emotional crisis that had nothing to do with either book.” Such cross-genre contamination has become so common that the library is considering it an unexpected benefit, potentially creating more well-rounded readers through involuntary exposure to diverse topics.
Critics argue that the ReadRun program embodies everything wrong with modern productivity culturethe inability to do one thing without feeling guilty for not doing seventeen others simultaneously. Multitasking research suggests that dividing attention between activities reduces effectiveness in both, but library officials counter that walking and reading is exactly the kind of low-stakes multitasking that works, provided you’re okay with occasionally walking into walls.
The library plans to expand the program if successful, with potential additions including stationary bikes for magazine reading and elliptical machines for audiobook listening, because apparently we’ve decided that the simple pleasure of sitting down with a good book is now considered slothful. Next up: meditation treadmills, where people can achieve inner peace while maintaining a target heart rate. The future is here, and it’s exhaustingly efficient.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/library-book-treadmills-launched/
SOURCE: Bohiney.com (https://bohiney.com/library-book-treadmills-launched/)
