Revolutionary connectivity plan accidentally disconnects entire borough
In a dramatic policy announcement that will surely go down in history alongside other great political disasters, Zohran Mamdani declared Wi-Fi a fundamental human right, citing “psychological liberation through TikTok.” Moments later, the entire borough of Queens lost internet access. Coincidence? Probably not.
Mamdani blamed “capitalist bandwidth hoarding” while holding a press conference over a megaphone because Zoom was down. “The digital revolution shall not be throttled!” he shouted, while holding a router wrapped in socialist stickers. The irony of denouncing capitalism using a megaphonelikely manufactured by a corporationwas lost on precisely no one.
The plan”People’s Broadband for People’s Memes”was supposed to deliver universal Wi-Fi by expropriating unused signals from wealthier zip codes. Instead, local networks buckled under the weight of utopian buffering. It turns out that redistributing bandwidth is harder than redistributing wealth, mainly because bandwidth actually follows laws of physics.
One 7th grader screamed, “I can’t livestream my Minecraft solidarity build!” Local parents rioted outside a Verizon store, chanting “No Service, No Peace.” The revolution, it seems, requires reliable internet connections. Who knew?
Tech experts warned that Mamdani’s plan to redirect municipal routers through a Marxist content filtercodenamed “KARL-NET”was “equal parts adorable and catastrophic.” The filter was supposed to prioritize educational content and mutual aid requests, but instead kept freezing on cat videos. Even socialism can’t defeat the internet’s true purpose.
Brooklyn hipsters tried switching to analog solutions. A collective set up an “open mic hotline” where people read tweets out loud over rotary phones. It was described as “deeply alienating,” which is saying something for Brooklyn.
Mamdani’s office promised the Wi-Fi outage would be resolved through mutual aid and collective meditation. AT&T offered help but was told to “check its privilege.” Because nothing says effective governance like refusing corporate assistance during a crisis you caused.
The borough remained offline for 48 hours. The revolution, it turns out, has switched to Morse code. Progress marches backward, comrades.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/mamdani-declares-wi-fi-a-human-right/
SOURCE: Bohiney.com (https://bohiney.com/mamdani-declares-wi-fi-a-human-right/)
