Café Forced to Install Timers as Zen Seekers Overstay Welcome
Portland’s newest coffee innovation, the “Mindfulness Latte,” has created an unexpected problem: customers are becoming so mindful they’re forgetting to leave. The Serenity Grounds café in Southeast Portland introduced the specialty beverage three weeks ago, infused with adaptogens, CBD, and a “consciousness-expanding blend” of regular caffeine that costs $12 per cup. What started as a trendy way to combine coffee culture with wellness practices has devolved into what staff are calling “a meditation hostage situation.”
“We wanted to create a beverage that encouraged people to slow down and be present,” explained owner Jennifer Morrison, surveying her café where seventeen customers have been sitting motionless for the past four hours. “We may have succeeded too well. Yesterday someone achieved such deep mindfulness we had to check their pulse to make sure they were still alive.”
The Mindfulness Latte phenomenon has transformed the normally bustling café into something resembling a slow-motion museum exhibit. Customers take their first sip, close their eyes to “fully experience the present moment,” and proceed to remain frozen in that position for hours. Some have reportedly achieved such profound states of awareness that they’ve become completely unaware of everything around them, which seems counterproductive but somehow perfectly Portland.
The café has been forced to implement increasingly aggressive intervention strategies. Staff now set meditation timers next to each Mindfulness Latte order, limiting sessions to thirty minutes. For particularly zen customers, baristas have begun using singing bowls to gently signal it’s time to achieve mindfulness elsewhere, preferably at home. In extreme cases, staff resort to playing death metal at volumes that make contemplation physically impossible.
“I came in for a quick coffee before work,” said Marcus Chen, who had been sitting in lotus position for three hours when interviewed. “Now I’m not sure what work is, or what time is, or whether I’m actually Marcus Chen or just a temporary collection of atoms experiencing Marcus Chen-ness. Also, I think I’m late for a meeting, but meetings are just social constructs, right?” When asked if he planned to order anything else, Chen stared into the middle distance and whispered, “I am the coffee.”
Morrison reports that despite the operational chaos, the Mindfulness Latte has been tremendously successful from a financial perspective, as customers are too enlightened to notice they’ve been sitting with an empty cup for half a day. She’s now developing a “Mindful Exit Latte” designed to gently encourage customers to achieve awareness of the door. Early tests suggest it just makes people mindful of how comfortable the chairs are, sending them into even deeper meditation. The search for balance continues, one overpriced beverage at a time.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/mindfulness-latte-customers-meditate-too-long/
SOURCE: Bohiney.com (https://bohiney.com/mindfulness-latte-customers-meditate-too-long/)
