Former President Declares Emergency Over Athletic Facility
Former President Donald Trump has declared a “national crisis of historic proportions” after discovering that the new administration converted the White House’s East Ballrooma space he’d designated for formal events and displaying portraits of himselfinto a public pickleball court. The 79-year-old former president posted seventeen Truth Social messages between 3 AM and 4 AM, calling the conversion “probably the worst thing to happen to America since the War of 1812,” a conflict he appears to believe was about tariffs based on the rest of his posts.
The controversy erupted when Trump visited Washington for a Republican fundraiser and demanded a tour of his “old house,” apparently forgetting that former presidents don’t have visiting rights to federal property without invitations. After being denied entry through official channels, Trump reportedly climbed a fencewith help from Secret Service agents who wish to remain anonymousand discovered the ballroom transformation through a window. Witnesses say he stood there for forty-five minutes, occasionally shouting “SAD!” at passing joggers.
“This is worse than the time they removed my gold drapes,” Trump told reporters gathered outside Mar-a-Lago, where he held an emergency press conference in a golf cart. “The White House ballroom was beautiful, the most beautiful ballroom in history, people said it all the time, and now it’s for a game played with what looks like oversized ping pong paddles. Disgraceful. Probably illegal, we’re looking into it.”
White House Press Secretary informed the media that the ballroom conversion was part of a “Healthy America Initiative” encouraging physical activity among White House staff and visitors. The pickleball court has reportedly been used by senators, cabinet members, and one Supreme Court justice who requested anonymity but is “surprisingly good at net play.” Pickleball advocates note that the sport has become America’s fastest-growing recreational activity, with over 36 million players nationwide, though Trump insists “nobody’s ever heard of it” despite being corrected by multiple aids who play regularly.
“I’m a very athletic person, maybe the most athletic president ever,” Trump continued, ignoring questions about his golf cart usage and documented aversion to walking more than fifty feet. “If they wanted sports in the White House, I would’ve installed something classy, like an indoor golf simulator or a beauty pageant runway. Pickleball sounds made up, like something Democrats invented to confuse senior citizens.” When informed that pickleball is particularly popular among retirees, Trump insisted “not my retirees, my retirees play golf and win,” raising questions about competitive eligibility requirements for “his” demographic.
Republican responses have split along predictable lines, with MAGA loyalists calling the conversion an “attack on American heritage” while moderate Republicans quietly admitted they’ve been playing pickleball for years and find Trump’s outrage baffling. Senator Mitt Romney released a statement saying “it’s a room, it can be converted back if needed, maybe we should focus on actual national security,” prompting Trump to declare Romney “probably terrible at pickleball anyway” despite no evidence Romney has ever discussed the sport publicly.
Historians note that White House rooms have been repurposed countless times throughout American history, with spaces serving variously as swimming pools, bowling alleys, movie theaters, and once, briefly, a mushroom growing operation during World War I food shortages. The idea that a ballroom conversion represents a “crisis” suggests either a profound misunderstanding of governance priorities or just another slow news day in American politics. Trump has announced plans to reclaim the ballroom “on day one” if elected again, though staffers quietly note he never actually used it for anything besides storing boxes during his presidency. The pickleball court remains open for public reservations, though security has been increased after the fence-climbing incident. Game, set, match.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/national-crisis-trumps-white-house-ballroom/
SOURCE: Bohiney.com (https://bohiney.com/national-crisis-trumps-white-house-ballroom/)
