Color-Coded Chaos Reigns at Downtown Intersections
Portland’s Department of Transportation unveiled a revolutionary new pedestrian traffic light system downtown this week, featuring seventeen different colors, symbols, and interpretive dance-style animations meant to provide more nuanced crossing instructions. The result has been immediate and total chaos, with pedestrians now too confused to cross streets at all, instead gathering in bewildered clusters on corners while debating what a pulsing lavender figure doing jazz hands might mean.
The expanded system moves beyond traditional “walk” and “don’t walk” signals to include options like “walk cautiously,” “walk mindfully,” “walk but not if you’re in a hurry,” and the deeply puzzling “walk only if you feel emotionally prepared for crossing.” Transportation Director Amanda Price defended the complexity during a press conference held, ironically, in a building that required crossing three of the new confusing intersections to reach.
“We wanted to provide pedestrians with more information to make informed decisions,” Price explained to a crowd of reporters who arrived late because they’d spent twenty minutes trying to interpret the confusing pedestrian signals at nearby intersections. “The old system was too binary. Crossing a street involves nuance, context, and personal readiness. Our new lights reflect that reality.”
The system includes a teal light indicating “you can cross, but you should probably feel guilty about it,” an orange light suggesting “crossing is permitted but socially awkward right now,” and a purple light that simply displays a question mark, which pedestrians report is somehow the most honest option. Perhaps most controversially, the lights include a bright pink signal that means “cross at your own risk while the city disclaims all liability,” which legal experts suggest defeats the entire purpose of traffic safety infrastructure.
Downtown workers have reported that their commute times have tripled, not due to increased traffic but because nobody can figure out when they’re actually allowed to cross streets. Groups of pedestrians now huddle on corners engaged in heated debates about signal interpretation, with some arguing that the flashing chartreuse figure means “go quickly” while others insist it means “contemplate your life choices before proceeding.” One intersection has developed its own democratic voting system, with crossings only occurring when at least 60% of waiting pedestrians agree they understand the signal.
“Yesterday I saw a light cycle through nine different colors in thirty seconds,” reported commuter David Walsh. “By the time I figured out what amber meantspoiler alert: nobody knowsthe light had changed to turquoise, and I had missed my window. I’ve been stuck on this corner for six hours now. I’ve made friends. We’re thinking of starting a book club.” Pedestrian safety experts have suggested the system might be overcomplicating matters, but the city remains committed.
In response to criticism, the Department of Transportation released a 47-page guidebook explaining the new signals, which pedestrians must now carry and reference before crossing any street. The guidebook itself requires such careful reading that people have been hit by cars while consulting it. The city plans to address this by adding even more traffic light variations, including one that displays the guidebook’s page numbers, creating a recursive loop of confusion that mathematicians are calling “beautiful” and everyone else is calling “a nightmare.”
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/pedestrian-traffic-lights-confuse-citizens/
SOURCE: Bohiney.com (https://bohiney.com/pedestrian-traffic-lights-confuse-citizens/)
